Monday, January 4, 2010

Consider this:

"Hope is hearing the music of the future. Faith is having the courage to dance to it."

Some might find this quote slightly saccharin. But not me. Not freaking me.

I adore its poetic encapsulation of living life passionately, purposefully, and with joy-infused abandon. That is the stuff right there. The goods. My soul burns to live like that. Intensely.

Honestly, though, I'm exhausted. Sleep-deprived? Yes. But primarily exhausted with myself -- my hyper-analytical, slow-to-believe, skeptical, pessimistic, self-condemning, sluggish-on-the-uptake-of-truth, perpetually comparing self. Why do I sit in this slum running my hands through mud? I long to permanently dump this 'me' that lives like I hate to live and does what I loathe to do and is what I no longer can stand to be. I'm painfully serious. The 'me' that I just described is doing a masterful job of siphoning the life out of me.

I feel like a muddled mess. What can I say to this? I am weary of my personal, persistent failures; frustrated at my lack of passionate, love-saturated living; agitated at my scattered attempts to collect myself... What can I say?

Not a word. I've attempted to cage this problem of my self-condemning yet pride-stained thoughts and lingering struggles from every conceivable angle. I've talked, shared, strategized, planned, scheduled, over-thought, fumed, and wept.

I haven't the words to say. I haven't a solitary remaining plan. Zilch. Nada.

And it's in this wordless, speechless weariness that He has once again captured my attention with His embrace. I could burst with raw desire for Jesus in this moment -- a moment in which I'm also wrenchingly aware of my flaws and weaknesses.

I'm speechless. So His words must do the speaking... "What then shall we say? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril , or sword?" ... or my own pride/insecurity/self-loathing, et cetera?



My tomorrow is in Jesus' eyes. The music of that tomorrow is sated with peace and freedom and explosive power and redemptive work and satisfying joy. That is truth. My mind may attempt to analyze that away... to doubt it... to fear it's derailment... to name myself as an exception to the promise. But it will stand, nonetheless, as the truth for my future. That's the music I hear today.

Jesus sings the song. He sings it over me. And I hear it.

And I will dance to it.


  1. I thought of the Psalms... I thought of the prodigal coming to himself and returning... I thought of the entire book of Romans... I thought of Zephaniah 3:17... and I thought some more about Jesus and you... and I smiled.

  2. i thought of Zepheniah 3:17 as well,
    "The Lord your God is with you
    He is Mighty to save,
    he will quiet you with his love,
    he will rejoice over you with singing."

    our savior sings to us, how can we help but dance?

    this is beautifully vulnderable Emily full of juicy word combos as per usual and you are such an encouragement.

  3. Sweet Emily, remember also, not only is your tomorrow in Jesus' eyes, it is also in His oh-so-capable hands...but only if you lay it down for Him. Will you surrender? Will you offer? Will you make yourself vulnerable? Will you admit defeat? I know I don't do a fine job. I would rather wrestle and defend a weakened and ever-complaining pathetic excuse for a woman of God than admit in public that I can't do it....full of cliches, I wait until I am in private to cry, to shed the burden, and beg for grace....we don't have to do it this way, Em...nope. We can dance. But to do so, we have to be strong enough to be weak with Him...I hope to see you His feet, washing Him in the perfume of our tears....Love you!!